People Want Deeper Talk Than You Expect

Move past weather and traffic sooner; strangers enjoy meaningful questions more than you predict.

Solid evidenceKardas, Kumar & Epley, 2022 · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, overly shallow conversations

Twelve experiments in one paper; people repeatedly overestimated how awkward deep talk would be.

Why it works

We expect a deep question to feel intrusive, so we stay shallow. In practice, both people feel closer and enjoy it more.

How to do it

  1. After a few minutes of small talk, ask one question about choices, goals or lessons.
  2. Keep it about work if it is a work setting.
  3. Share your own answer too.
  4. Back off if they give a short answer.

What to say

What has been the hardest part of building this team?

What would you do differently if you started your career again?

What made you pick agriculture over a city job?

Avoid

Jumping to personal topics like marriage, salary or religion. Deep means about meaning, not about private facts.

Example

Devendra asked a fertiliser company VP what he had learnt from his worst hire. The VP talked for ten minutes and later said it was the best chat of the conference.

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