The Manual
153 techniques, methods and myths. Each one says what to do, what to say, and how strong the evidence is.
Opening Conversations
Starting with strangers, at events and on calls, without sounding like a pitch.
- The Liking Gap: They Liked You More Than You ThinkAssume the stranger enjoyed talking to you more than you felt, and act on that by opening and following up.Solid evidence
- Strangers Are Friendlier Than You PredictTalk to the stranger next to you; people expect it to go badly, and it almost always goes better.Solid evidence
- Small Chats With Weak Ties CountHave short, warm exchanges with the people you see but do not know well; they feed your mood and your network.Solid evidence
- Open With What You Both Can SeeStart with a remark or question about the shared setting, not about yourself and not a compliment on the person.Practitioner wisdom
- The First Few Seconds Are Mostly Face and PostureBefore you speak, arrive with a real smile, open hands and eye contact, because people judge warmth in a split second.Solid evidence
- A One-Line Answer to What Do You DoSay who you help and with what, in plain words, in one breath, then hand the question back.Practitioner wisdom
- Approaching an Exhibition StallAt a stall, ask about their product first, find the decision person, and only then say why you are there.Practitioner wisdom
- Joining a Group That Is Already TalkingPick a group standing in an open shape, stand at the edge, listen, and speak only when there is a natural pause.Practitioner wisdom
- Cold Calls: Your Reason in the First SentenceWithin ten seconds, say who you are and the specific reason you are calling them, not a general sales line.Practitioner wisdom
- Cold Calls: Ask for a Minute, Not for Their TimeAfter your reason, give them an easy out and ask for a small slice of time, now or later.Mixed evidence
- Ask Before You Introduce Two PeopleWhen you connect two contacts, check with each first, then write one short note that says why they should talk.Practitioner wisdom
- Remembering Names: Say It, Then Recall It LaterRepeat the name once when you hear it, then quietly recall it a few times at growing gaps during the chat.Solid evidence
- Use Their Name, But Not Every SentenceUse a person's name at the greeting, at a key point and at the goodbye; more than that sounds like a sales script.Practitioner wisdom
- Conversations Rarely End When Both Want Them ToExpect that you and the other person want to stop at different times, and end warmly while it is still good.Solid evidence
- A Clean Exit LineExit with three parts: a thank you, a real reason or next step, and a goodbye with their name.Practitioner wisdom
- Follow Up Within a Day, With One DetailSend a short message within 24 hours that mentions one thing they said and one clear next step.Practitioner wisdom
Keeping It Going
What to say after the first two minutes: threads, depth, listening and stories.
- Threading: Every Answer Has Three DoorsWhen someone answers, pick out two or three things they mentioned and choose one to ask about next.Practitioner wisdom
- ARE: Anchor, Reveal, EncourageStart small talk with a remark on the shared moment, add a small fact about yourself, then ask them a question.Practitioner wisdom
- Follow-Up Questions Make People Like YouAsk more questions, and make most of them follow-ups on what the person just said.Solid evidence
- People Want Deeper Talk Than You ExpectMove past weather and traffic sooner; strangers enjoy meaningful questions more than you predict.Solid evidence
- The Depth Ladder: Facts, Opinions, FeelingsClimb one level at a time: from facts to opinions to feelings, matching what the other person shares.Solid evidence
- Give a Little of Yourself BackAfter they share something, share something of similar size about yourself, then pass the turn back.Strong evidence
- Work-Safe Versions of the Closeness QuestionsUse a few graded, work-appropriate questions that go a bit deeper each time, and answer them yourself too.Solid evidence
- Listen So They Feel HeardGive full attention, do not plan your reply, and show you understood before you add anything.Solid evidence
- Short Gaps Feel Long, So Have a Way BackKeep replies quick and warm in light chat, and when a silence comes, go back to an earlier thread instead of freezing.Mixed evidence
- A Back-Pocket List for When You Go BlankKeep a short mental list of safe work topics (work, place, plans, recent event) to reach for when talk stalls.Practitioner wisdom
- Tell Short Stories, Not SummariesWhen you share, tell a 30 to 60 second story with a person, a problem and a turn, instead of a flat summary.Mixed evidence
- Let Them Talk About ThemselvesAim for them to speak a bit more than you, because talking about oneself feels rewarding.Solid evidence
- Say the Compliment You Are ThinkingWhen you notice something good about someone's work, say it specifically; it lands better than you expect.Solid evidence
- When They Share Good News, Dig InRespond to good news with interest and questions, not a quick well done or a story of your own.Mixed evidence
- Read Interest From Answers, Not Just Body LanguageJudge interest by what they say: longer answers, questions back and new details mean go on; short answers and looking away mean change course or exit.Practitioner wisdom
- Myth: You Can Spot Lies From Body LanguageDo not judge honesty from eye contact or fidgeting; ask specific, checkable questions instead.Myth
- Talking With Women Professionals: Same Questions, Same RespectTalk to a woman colleague or client about the work, her views and the event, exactly as you would with a senior man.Practitioner wisdom
- Bridge From Small Talk to BusinessUse something they said to ask permission to talk shop, then ask about their need before you mention yours.Practitioner wisdom
Staying Calm
Disagreeing without offending anyone, and without it showing on your face.
- Change the Story, Not Just the FaceWhen irritation rises, change how you read the moment instead of only forcing your face still.Strong evidence
- Name Your Feeling in Your HeadSilently name what you feel in one word, like irritated or embarrassed, to lower its heat.Solid evidence
- The Slow Exhale: Cyclic SighingBreathe in through the nose, take a second short sip in, then breathe out long and slow through the mouth.Solid evidence
- Myth: Venting Lets the Anger OutDo not punch pillows or rant to cool down; anger fades faster when you calm the body down.Myth
- STATE: Say Hard Things Without a FightShare your facts first, then your story, ask for theirs, speak tentatively, and invite them to test you.Practitioner wisdom
- Make It Safe: Contrast What You Do and Do Not MeanWhen someone takes offence, say what you do not mean, then what you do mean.Practitioner wisdom
- NVC: Observation, Feeling, Need, RequestSay what happened without judging, how you feel, what you need, and one clear request.Practitioner wisdom
- Sound Open When You DisagreeWhen you disagree, acknowledge their point, find something you agree on, hedge your claim, and use positive words.Solid evidence
- Name Their Feeling Out LoudWhen someone is upset, name what they seem to feel in a calm voice, then stay quiet and let them respond.Mixed evidence
- HALT: Check if You Are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or TiredBefore a hard talk, check HALT; if you are hungry or tired, eat or rest first or move the meeting.Mixed evidence
- Talk to Yourself by Your Own NameIn a heated moment, coach yourself silently in the third person: Devendra, what does he need to do here?Solid evidence
- Your Face Leaks, So Work on the FeelingExpect that brief flashes of irritation will show, so lower the feeling early rather than relying on a poker face.Mixed evidence
- The Face Reset: Jaw, Brow, EyesWhen you feel irritation, loosen three spots in order: unclench the jaw, smooth the brow, soften the eyes.Practitioner wisdom
- Choose Your BattlesBefore you push back, ask if this point affects the result; if not, let it go.Practitioner wisdom
- When Someone Is RudeStay level, name the behaviour once, set a calm limit, and leave if it continues.Practitioner wisdom
- Agree With the Part That Is TrueWhen criticised, find the part that is even slightly true, agree with it first, then give your view.Practitioner wisdom
- Wait Before You Hit SendNever send a reply to an upsetting message within the hour; draft it, wait, then edit it calm.Practitioner wisdom
- The Amygdala Hijack: Useful Picture, Loose ScienceTreat a sudden flash of anger as a body surge that passes in minutes, and do not decide anything until it does.Mixed evidence
Selling and Proposals
Meetings that end in a dated next step: preparing, asking, telling, proposing, following up.
- The Six-Step Sales CallRun every prospect conversation in the same order: prepare, open with purpose, ask before you tell, tell briefly with proof, handle doubts, close on a dated next step.Practitioner wisdom
- Five-Minute Prep CardBefore every call, write down one goal, three questions, one proof with a number and the next step you will ask for.Practitioner wisdom
- Upfront Contract: Agree the Rules FirstAt the start of a meeting, agree on the time, the agenda, what each side wants, and that either side can say no at the end.Practitioner wisdom
- SPIN: Four Kinds of QuestionsAsk a few Situation questions, then Problem, Implication and Need-payoff questions, so the buyer states the problem and its cost in their own words.Solid evidence
- Implication Questions: Make the Problem BiggerAfter a buyer names a problem, ask what it leads to, so a small irritation becomes a cost they want to fix.Solid evidence
- Need-Payoff Questions: Let Them Name the ValueAsk what solving the problem would be worth, so the buyer, not you, describes the benefit.Solid evidence
- Sandler Pain Funnel: Go One Level DeeperWhen a buyer mentions a problem, ask a short series of deeper questions, from the fact, to an example, to how long, to what it costs, to how they feel about it.Practitioner wisdom
- Gap Selling: Current State, Future State, the GapFind out exactly where the buyer is now and where they want to be; your offer is only worth what the gap between them is worth.Practitioner wisdom
- Challenger: Teach, Tailor, Take ControlBring the buyer one useful idea about their business they had not thought of, tailor it to the person, and be willing to talk plainly about money and next steps.Mixed evidence
- Answer First: The Pyramid RuleSay your main point in the first sentence, then give up to three reasons, then the detail, never the other way round.Practitioner wisdom
- SCQA: Situation, Complication, Question, AnswerFrame a pitch as the situation they know, the complication that has changed, the question it raises, and your answer.Practitioner wisdom
- The Positioning StatementWrite one sentence that says who you help, with what problem, what you are, and how you differ from the usual option.Practitioner wisdom
- The 30-Second Answer to What Do You DoAnswer in two sentences: who you help and the result you get, with one proof, then ask them a question.Practitioner wisdom
- Talk Less Than Half the TimeIn a discovery call, aim to talk less than half the time and let the buyer do most of the talking.Mixed evidence
- One Business Per ConversationTalk about only one of your offers in a sales conversation; adding weaker offers makes the main one look smaller.Solid evidence
- Three Reasons, Not FiveGive at most three reasons why you; a fourth makes buyers more doubtful, not less.Solid evidence
- Find All the Buyers in the DealIn every deal, find the economic buyer who signs off the money, the user who lives with the result, the technical buyer who checks the rules, and a coach who tells you how things really work.Practitioner wisdom
- BANT: The Quick Qualifying CheckEarly on, check Budget, Authority, Need and Timeline, and stop chasing deals that fail most of them.Practitioner wisdom
- MEDDICC for Bigger DealsFor larger deals, track Metrics, Economic buyer, Decision criteria, Decision process, paper process, Identified pain, Champion and Competition, and do not send a proposal until most are known.Practitioner wisdom
- Ask Who Decides in the First CallIn the first conversation, ask who else will be part of the decision, and make meeting them your next step.Practitioner wisdom
- The Proposal Confirms, It Never SurprisesSend a proposal only to confirm what you have already agreed in conversation, including the price; never use it to introduce the price or the plan.Practitioner wisdom
- Offer Three OptionsGive the buyer three versions of your offer, with the one you recommend in the middle, so the choice becomes which one, not yes or no.Solid evidence
- Show the Cost of Doing NothingBefore showing your fee, use the buyer's own numbers to show what the problem costs if nothing changes.Mixed evidence
- Walk Them Through the ProposalNever just email a proposal and wait; book fifteen minutes to take the buyer through it, and ask for a choice at the end.Practitioner wisdom
- End Every Call With a Dated Next StepNever end with let me know; end with one small, specific action with a day and time that both sides agree to.Solid evidence
- Follow Up With Something New Each TimeAfter a meeting, follow up on a planned schedule where every touch adds something new, and never send just checking in.Practitioner wisdom
- Ask for a Specific ReferralWhen a client is happy, ask for an introduction to one named type of person or company, not for anyone who might need you.Practitioner wisdom
- The Five-Line Cold EmailWrite a first email in five to seven lines: why them, their likely problem, what you do about it, one proof, and one easy question.Practitioner wisdom
Objections and Negotiation
When they push back on price, timing or trust, and how to hold your ground politely.
- LAER: Listen, Acknowledge, Explore, RespondWhen a buyer pushes back, let them finish, acknowledge the point, ask what is behind it, and only then respond.Practitioner wisdom
- Feel, Felt, FoundShow you understand the concern, show others had it too, and share what they found.Practitioner wisdom
- When They Say: Too ExpensiveDo not defend or cut the price at once; ask what they are comparing it with, then compare the fee with the cost of the problem.Practitioner wisdom
- When They Say: Send Me DetailsTreat send me details as a polite way out; agree, but ask one question so you send the right thing and book a time to discuss it.Practitioner wisdom
- When They Say: Not NowAccept the timing, ask when the need usually comes up, and agree a date to call back before then.Practitioner wisdom
- When They Say: We Already Use SomeoneRespect the current supplier and ask which roles they find hardest to fill; then offer to take just that one.Practitioner wisdom
- Labeling: Name What They FeelWhen a buyer sounds worried, frustrated or doubtful, name the feeling out loud, starting with it sounds like or it seems like, then stop.Practitioner wisdom
- Mirroring: Repeat Their Last WordsRepeat the last one to three words the buyer said, as a question, then stay silent so they explain further.Solid evidence
- Calibrated Questions: How and WhatWhen you hit resistance, ask an open question that starts with how or what, so the buyer has to think about solving the problem with you.Practitioner wisdom
- Accusation Audit: Say Their Doubts FirstBefore they raise their worst thoughts about you, say them yourself, plainly and calmly.Practitioner wisdom
- Summarise Until They Say: That's RightSum up the buyer's situation, goals and worries so well that they say that's right, before you suggest anything.Practitioner wisdom
- No-Oriented QuestionsAsk questions where no is the answer that moves things forward, because people feel safer saying no than yes.Practitioner wisdom
- Interests, Not PositionsWhen a buyer makes a demand, find the need behind it, then look for options that meet that need without simply cutting your price.Solid evidence
- Know Your BATNA Before You NegotiateBefore any price talk, know your best alternative if this deal does not happen, and theirs, so you can stay calm and know when to walk away.Solid evidence
- Never Give a Concession Without Getting OneWhen you lower your price or add something, ask for something in return, and make each concession smaller than the last.Mixed evidence
- Stay Silent After the PriceWhen you state your price or ask a closing question, stop talking and let the buyer speak first, however long it takes.Practitioner wisdom
- The JOLT Method for IndecisionWhen a buyer wants your help but can't decide, judge how stuck they are, give a clear recommendation, limit their research, and take risk off the table.Mixed evidence
- State Your Fee First, With a ReasonWhen price comes up, say your fee clearly and early, with one line of reasoning, rather than asking the buyer what they want to pay.Strong evidence
Words That Work
The exact words that make people believe you, remember you and act.
- Specific Beats VagueReplace adjectives and big claims with numbers, names, places and days.Solid evidence
- Feature, Benefit, ProofAfter every feature, say which means and the benefit, then for example and the proof.Practitioner wisdom
- Use Identity Nouns, Not Just VerbsInvite people to be something (a partner, a planner) rather than only to do something.Mixed evidence
- Say I Don't, Not I Can'tWhen you refuse, say I don't do that, which sounds like a firm choice, instead of I can't.Mixed evidence
- Ask for Advice, Not FeedbackWhen you want input, ask what advice they would give, not what feedback they have.Solid evidence
- Cut the HedgesDrop maybe, I think, sort of and just when you mean to recommend; say I recommend and say it once.Solid evidence
- Be ConcreteUse words people can picture: say the field officer called you back the same day, not we offer great support.Solid evidence
- Choose the Frame CarefullyThe same fact said two ways lands differently, so pick the words that match what the listener cares about and keep the figures honest.Strong evidence
- Use And, Not ButWhen you add a concern after praise, join them with and, because but cancels what came before.Practitioner wisdom
- Swap Fillers for a Short PauseReplace um, basically, actually and you know with one second of silence.Mixed evidence
- Tell the Before and After StoryProve your value with a short story: how things were, what you did, and how things are now.Solid evidence
- Give Three, Not SevenOffer three reasons, three options or three points; stop there.Solid evidence
- Make the Customer the HeroTell the story with the client as the hero who wins, and you as the guide with a plan.Practitioner wisdom
- Problem, Agitate, SolveIn a short message, name their problem, show what it costs them, then offer your fix.Practitioner wisdom
- AIDA: Attention, Interest, Desire, ActionOrder a pitch or message as attention, interest, desire, then one clear action.Practitioner wisdom
- Short WhatsApp and Email RulesOne purpose per message, under about a hundred words, with the ask in the first two lines.Practitioner wisdom
- Beat the Curse of KnowledgeOnce you know something, you cannot easily imagine not knowing it, so explain with plain words and an example as if to a smart outsider.Solid evidence
- Ask With a Day and a TimeEnd with a specific next step: a day, a time and what will happen, not let me know.Solid evidence
Voice and Speaking
Pace, pauses, presence and talks people remember.
- Steady Pace, Slower on Key PointsSpeak at a steady, unhurried pace and slow down for the main point, numbers and names.Mixed evidence
- Pause After the PointStop for one or two seconds after your main point, a question or a price, and let it land.Practitioner wisdom
- End Statements Going DownLet your pitch fall at the end of a statement so it sounds like a statement, not a question.Mixed evidence
- Let Your Hands HelpUse natural hand gestures that match your words, especially for size, number and order.Strong evidence
- Eye Contact, One Thought Per PersonLook at one person for a full sentence, then move to the next; with a sceptical listener, ease off rather than stare.Mixed evidence
- Look Good on a Video CallCamera at eye level, light in front, plain background, and look into the lens for your key sentences.Practitioner wisdom
- TED 1: Unleash the Master WithinTalk about what you truly care about in your work, not your job title or service list.Practitioner wisdom
- TED 2: Master the Art of StorytellingCarry your message in a story with a person, a struggle and a change.Solid evidence
- TED 3: Have a ConversationRehearse until your talk sounds like a relaxed chat with a friend.Practitioner wisdom
- TED 4: Teach Them Something NewGive the audience one fact or idea they did not know about their own world.Solid evidence
- TED 5: Deliver a Jaw-Dropping MomentPlan one moment people will remember: a striking fact, a prop, a photo or a short demo.Practitioner wisdom
- TED 6: Lighten UpUse light, natural humour from real stories, not jokes you found online.Mixed evidence
- TED 7: The 18-Minute RuleKeep talks short and tight; if you have an hour, break it into short blocks with a change of pace.Mixed evidence
- TED 8: Paint Mental PicturesShow it as well as say it: pictures, objects and vivid words, not walls of text.Strong evidence
- TED 9: Stay in Your LaneBe yourself and speak only about what you know; borrowed style and borrowed topics show.Practitioner wisdom
- Monroe's Motivated SequenceStructure a persuasive talk in five steps: attention, need, satisfaction, visualisation, action.Practitioner wisdom
- What, So What, Now WhatFor any update or answer, say what happened, why it matters, and what to do next.Practitioner wisdom
- PREP: Point, Reason, Example, PointAnswer with your point, the reason, an example, then the point again.Practitioner wisdom
- Rehearse Out LoudPractise your talk or pitch aloud, start to finish, several times before the real thing.Solid evidence
- Record YourselfRecord a practice run on your phone, watch it once, and fix the one biggest problem.Mixed evidence
- Join a Speaking ClubSpeak in front of a friendly group regularly, such as a Toastmasters club, to make speaking feel normal.Practitioner wisdom
- Slides With Pictures, Not ParagraphsUse one idea per slide, a strong picture and a few words; keep the details in a handout.Strong evidence
Myths
Popular communication advice that the research does not support, and what is true instead.
- Myth: 93% of Communication Is Non-VerbalWords carry most of the meaning; tone and face matter most when they clash with the words, especially about feelings.Myth
- Myth: Two Minutes of Power Posing Changes Your HormonesStanding tall may make you feel a little more confident, but it does not change hormones or risk-taking.Myth
- Myth: Mirroring Body Language Always Builds RapportNatural, unconscious matching can help a little; deliberate copying that is noticed can backfire.Myth
- Myth: Eye Movements Show If Someone Is Imagining or RememberingWhere people look while thinking does not show whether they are recalling, imagining or lying.Myth
- Myth: Always Be ClosingIn bigger sales, asking good questions and agreeing clear next steps works better than pushing closing techniques.Myth
- Myth: People Decide About You in 7 SecondsFirst impressions form fast, but they are rough and change with what you say and do next.Myth
- Myth: Never Take No for an AnswerRespect the no, then ask for something smaller or ask when to check back.Myth
- Myth: People Remember 10% of What They Read and 90% of What They DoThere are no reliable percentages for how much people remember by method; it depends on the content and the task.Myth
- Myth: Fake It Till You Make ItConfidence comes from preparation and practice; you can manage nerves, but faked expertise is found out.Myth
- Myth: The 3-Second Rule for Approaching StrangersNo study supports approaching within three seconds; a short planned opener is what helps. The well-supported three seconds is waiting after a question.Myth
- Myth: Left-Brain and Right-Brain CommunicatorsPeople are not left- or right-brained; tailor your message to the person and the situation, not to a brain type.Myth
- Myth: More Choice Always Stops People BuyingToo many options sometimes slows decisions, but the effect is not reliable; offer a few clear options when choices are hard to compare.Mixed evidence
- Myth: Smiling on the Phone Guarantees SalesListeners can often hear a smile, so it can make you sound warmer; there is no proof it raises sales by itself.Mixed evidence
- Myth: Talk 20%, Listen 80%In sales calls, top performers talk a bit under half the time and ask good questions; the 20/80 rule has no source.Myth
- Myth: Liars Avoid Eye ContactEye contact is not a reliable sign of lying; most people catch lies only slightly better than chance.Myth