The Liking Gap: They Liked You More Than You Think

Assume the stranger enjoyed talking to you more than you felt, and act on that by opening and following up.

Solid evidenceBoothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark, 2018 · Psychological Science, five studies of first conversations

Shown across lab, dorm and workshop settings in one well-run paper and repeated by later studies, but mostly with Western students.

Why it works

After a first chat we judge ourselves by our own awkward moments, which the other person barely noticed. So we underrate how much they liked us and hold back from the second step.

How to do it

  1. Before you walk up, remind yourself the gap exists.
  2. After the chat, rate how it went, then add a point.
  3. Send the follow-up you were about to talk yourself out of.
  4. Ask for the next step in the same conversation, not later.

What to say

I enjoyed this. Can I send you a note on Monday?

I would like to carry this on. Are you free for ten minutes on a call next week?

Avoid

Replaying your one stumble on the drive home and deciding not to call. They have already forgotten it.

Example

Arvind met the HR head of a seed company at a Pune agri expo and felt he had rambled. He sent a two-line note anyway. She replied the same evening asking for his fee structure.

Related