Make It Safe: Contrast What You Do and Do Not Mean

When someone takes offence, say what you do not mean, then what you do mean.

Practitioner wisdomPatterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler, 2002 · Crucial Conversations, contrasting

Practitioner method; not independently tested.

Why it works

People get defensive when they think you are attacking them. Clearing up the wrong meaning first lets them hear the real point.

How to do it

  1. Notice signs they feel attacked: silence, sharp tone.
  2. Pause the topic.
  3. Say what you do not mean.
  4. Say what you do mean.
  5. Return to the topic.

What to say

I do not mean your team did a bad job. I do mean the brief changed and we need to fix the brief.

I am not saying you are wrong. I am saying I see it differently, and I want to understand your view.

Avoid

Defending your words harder when they take offence.

Example

When an HR manager bristled at feedback on her JD, Devendra said he was not criticising her, he wanted the role to attract better people. She relaxed and reworked it with him.

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