STATE: Say Hard Things Without a Fight
Share your facts first, then your story, ask for theirs, speak tentatively, and invite them to test you.
A widely used training method from a bestselling book; the authors report client results but there are no independent trials.
Why it works
Starting with facts gives common ground. Offering your view as one reading, and asking for theirs, keeps people talking instead of defending.
How to do it
- S: share the facts you both can see.
- T: tell your story, what you think it means.
- A: ask for their view.
- T: talk tentatively: I think, it seems.
- E: encourage them to disagree.
What to say
Two of the three candidates you rejected had the exact skills on your JD. It makes me think the JD is not what you really need. How do you see it?
I may be wrong, so tell me if I am missing something.
Avoid
Starting with your conclusion: you are being unfair. It starts a fight.
Example
Devendra used STATE with a client who kept delaying payment. He named the dates, said it looked like a cash crunch, and asked. The client admitted it and set a plan.
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